The Waiter's Notepad

For your information, if you like. :)

2009-12-29T10:15:32Z

http://spiritualeconomicsnow.net/?cat=3

Don't be fooled by the look that it's Christian- it isn't, in the modern sense of the word.

Fascinating stuff.

Also, check out a woman named Mary Elizabeth Croft. *wiggles eyebrows* So, you thought you were helpless in the face of the PTB, did you?...

I wonder if this is the path that I'm choosing...

2009-12-29T10:11:02Z

it would appear to be so.

I have been synthesising my thoughts regarding the Feminine, ecology and the Dominator paradigm. It would appear that the pattern of my own eco-feminism is emerging, being shaped in rapid flux by many, many things that are coming across my path at the moment. For example:

the local council is currently attempting to force our acquiescence to their unlawful exercise of power by threatening to bulldoze our home if we fail to comply with their demands for our buildings to be 'approved' of as 'legal dwellings'. This requires vast sums of money to be paid to this unlawful (as all local councils, under the Australian constitution, are actually completely without lawful foundation and as such have zero lawful ability to decree anything at all in terms of how people can and cannot live).

I experience this threat to exert their 'exercise of power' as nothing short of the same dominance and control that the dominator model has inflicted on all aspects of society for as long as society has agreed to bear the yoke of this false power. I do not acquiesce to this, as I also do not acquiesce to the same dominator tactics pertaining to behaviours towards and treatment of indigenous peoples, the environment, women, children, the elderly, the sick and the disabled of the planet. I do not acquiesce to being considered a corporate entity in a corporate legal world- I am a human being, a free woman, to which the laws of corporate and dominator models do not apply.

We experience domination, in whatever form, because we agree to it: in our legal environment, if you are not clearly objecting to something (as in written form clearly stating 'I do not consent/agree') then you are tacitly acquiescing tp whatever it is that the corporate legal entities otherwise known as governments are intending. In other words, the incarceration of refugees in Australian concentration camps is happening because the Australian public is not demanding, as a whole, the immediate closure of them and the freeing of the inmates. If the Australian public were to demand, as a whole, that this happen immediately, and back up their demand by pointing out that the Australian government is acting outside its lawful ability to act if it refuses, then the centres would be closed tomorrow.

This is the same for every single instance where the government is behaving outside the will of the people- environmentally, socially, economically- even the clean feed debacle is a violation of the rights of the people, currently being enabled because not enough people give a shit. The interlocking philosophies that give those imagining the power of their own 'authority' to behave in ways that frequently act to the detriment of the people involved in the decisions enable all the violations that different groups struggle against today: the reasonings used to enable environmental violations and destruction are rooted in the same dominator mentality that allows the objectification- and thus economic exploitation- of women, of children, of those who are not in an economic position to defend themselves. It's all the same thing, and I'm not acquiescing anymore.

As a society we will continue to experience the devastation and excesses of corporate and governmental insanity while we agree as a group to be dominated in this way. As women, we will continue to experience the dominator behaviours of rape, discrimination, murder, abuse, mutilation, disempowerment, dismissal and trivialisation while we, as a group, accept this treatment. There is no 'transforming' government, because essentially government has been created by a culture that needs to control- by whatever means necessary- the behaviours of its people. Transformation will occur as people begin to understand that they neither need nor want controlling, not because they are out of control, but because they are capable of deep self direction, caring and connection.

It's not impossible. There have been other societies and cultures that, to one extent or the other, have demonstrated these ideals in such ways that we can learn from and take forward the behaviours and practices. It's not a utopian fantasy: the dominator culture likes to bandy about these words- and other such myths as 'economic reality' and 'sustainable economics'- as a way of disempowering and dismissing dissent. We can wake up, if we really want to.

For me, there's no other choice. I was always going to be the kind of person to take the red pill. Damn straight, I want to see just how deep this fucking rabbit hole goes...

And then, redux-

2009-12-29T00:38:11Z

in that of course as soon as I get to such a space within all the old deep level programming rises up to the surface like turds in a pool.Clouds of confusion, pain, indecision, tears, old woundings remade into new- all the classical programmed responses to going too close to core Essence.

I currently have friends staying here with me who carried me through the brief but extreme turbulence. We saw how such reactions are attempts to 'keep us on track' ie focusing on the stuff that we *don't* want rather than the things that we *do*. I got through the dark space with their help and insight- the experience was so turbulent, so stormy and so intense that now I feel utterly exhausted, drained and in need of rest.

This path definitely isn't for the weak. *faceplants*

The Wonderful World of Mass Stupid

2009-12-28T22:43:12Z

So the reason to ignore our impact on the planet and debate the 'climategate' drek is because it will interfere with economic development.

I wonder what the reason is that I'm holding off on the decision that this species cannot be redeemed? Why do I oscillate with this assessment? Looking at it logically, how is there any way at all that they won't economy the world into complete natural bankruptcy?

What is the solution to this? Do we simply sit by and watch the Global Stupid drain us of everything? How do we keep our spirits intact in the face of such mammoth idiocracy? Ignoring them and hoping that the problem will go away has never actually worked- ask anyone who has ever been molested. :/

Here's what I have a hunch about: I think it's going to be women that rebel against the Global Empire of Stupid. I think women are going to switch on to the very real threat to their children, their children's future, their future ability to take care of their children. I think women are going to get sick of being killed, mutilated, starved, beaten, overruled, dominated, suppressed, dictated to, tortured, ignored, abused, dehumanised, commercialised, denigrated, ignored, vilified, demonised, trivialised and generally dismissed as equal voices in the ride that we're taking on this interstellar starship. I think that the environmental issues will merge with the issues of women because they are essentially the same: two arenas where the dominant powers see nothing but the potential for exploitation, for subservience, for use without conscience or care, for total lack of concern for damage done, lives lost, pain inflicted, scars created.

Gaia and women- the essential elements of the Feminine here on the planet, being treated exactly the same way by the dominant toxic overmasculine. It is the standing ground, this Feminine awareness, for everyone- female and male- who grokk the deep connection that exists between all living things; who understand that without the balance, Feminine and Masculine, held simultaneously in all things, life becomes extreme and unbalanced and that without this balance, life here on the planet is in serious question. The issues of women are the same issues of Gaia, Gaia's situation is the same that women here experience: from this awareness the consciousness of both female and male can expand, the overview of the many issues can be simplified. Women united in their understanding that the dominator culture will never, ever make decisions in support of life, of deep wellbeing, of real sustainability and ecological care, of equality for race, gender, economy, culture- and the men that truly love their women, their children, their ecology and their own deep Essence, these men will join the refusal to acquiesce to submission, subordination, domination and destruction.

It is becoming apparent to me that this is where the real Essence of the matter is. The uneasiness, the anxiety, the confusion I have been feeling, all these things are coming from this one realisation: that what I am facing myself up against is the most powerful dominator model this modern society has managed to produce, with all its attendant machinery, weaponry, media-controlled thought programming and psychological controls. I have realised that the heart of the matter for me is this: I cannot live in a world, a reality, a dimension in which the Feminine is actively despised, dismissed, feared, oppressed and under constant, unrelenting attack. I do not want to stand by any longer and let the dominator system think it can oppress, despise, dismiss, attack and dominate *me*. I am setting my mark on this place, this space, sending out the signal to the Ugaia, to Gaia, to my own Essence and that of my beloved daughters, the Essence of Feminine that imbues our universe with beauty, creativity, compassion and- in dance with the true Masculine, Life itself- I send out the signal that, with these realisations, in this moment the warrior, the woman capable of making decisions that others would call harsh, violent, warlike, the woman who no longer accepts the internal experience of confusion, disempowerment, despair and fear that the dominator culture works so hard to imbue every female on the planet with- in this moment, my true Warrior self is born.

Whatever I need to do now, I can do it. I look inside myself and know this to be true. I can find the models within myself, I see the understanding and the energy: standing for myself and my daughters, my sons, the other women that I love and care for, is standing for all Beings, for Gaia, for a way of life that can hold all things in the Universe in the space.

This is me, reborn.

Withdrawn from US 2001, still legal here and causing problems

2009-11-02T05:08:57Z

http://organic.com.au/news/2009.01.14/

Isn't it weird how slow to act some authorities are?

Weird.

some counter information regarding the swine flu hysteria

2009-10-28T20:46:29Z

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/10/27/Obama-Declares-Swine-Flu-Emergency.aspx

update from Lismore.

2009-08-13T10:27:09Z

We drove like demons and here we are, three days later, back on the North Coast. I have been looking for rentals and there simply *aren't* any so far in this area. I want to live near my son, so I wonder how this is going to happen.

Seeing Nahele today was awesome of splendour and it made me ache for missing the past 8 months with him- I don't want to miss another day, another hour. I hate not having him around, I hate not living with him, he is such an awesome human being. I want our living situation to sort itself out so that we can live together again, even if it is part time.

Now we're going to go find somewhere to sleep for the night. We might try going near the sea, but it depends on what we find: this area is not an easy one for such things.

I want to live in an inspiring and wonderful space for awhile.

Days of wonder

2009-06-15T04:49:58Z

This Saturday is our first wedding anniversary- in some ways I'd wanted to be back in Lismore for the Lantern Festival to celebrate the night, but we'll be here in WA so it is what it is. Our life is full of love, laughter, great sex, wonderful children and happy adventure. :D

We're turning back to the east on the 24th of June! Beltana first, then heading along the coast until we get back to Northern NSW. We're looking for a home base to work from- SO many projects we'd like to get into.

I love my life, my husband and my brood. I also look even more fabulous than usual at the moment. :D Hurrah!

Looking forward to seeing friends. *bounce*

Muslim intolerance, right wing Christian extremism- what's the diff?

2009-04-14T07:10:27Z

http://www.mosnews.com/society/2009/04/13/shortskirtt/

So the Muslim dad hires a hitman to kill his own daughter because his mates ragged him about her knee length skirts. I hope the bastard rots in jail. I'm so tired of religious apologists explaining how, no their religion doesn't support all the killing/abuse/mind control that goes on, it's every one else's religious views that are wrong. Well, here's the thing- it's in Muslim countries that stripping a young girl of her external genitalia is both tolerated and practiced, 'Christian' America has acted it's own human rights abuses for decades now, and religion as a whole is nothing more than a haven for self righteousness. Go figure.

If you can't think for yourself, determine what's right and wrong, intuit what is useful behaviour as a society and what is not, don't want to take personal responsibility for what's happening on the planet, and generally can't be bothered with personal growth, then join a religion. You'll be in similar company.

Why is it that God lovers of any persuasion mostly suck? Go figure.

Observing

2009-04-05T11:39:08Z

There is a lot of noise in the airwaves about the disasterous economy, oh woe is the world, the end is nigh and the usual posturing of those who are endeavouring to Rule The Universe.

What's actually really going on? What lies beneath all this noise and bluster, posturing and doomsaying? It's like the Y2K thing, all end of the world and woe are we, only nothing in the end but a moment in time. I have been oscillating wildly these past few days, unsure of myself and my path, unsure what to do, where to go: should I stay and do one lot of things, should I go and do another, am I insane to think that we can pass through this time without upheaval and despair?

Once upon a time my previous alter was a deeply religious person: despite the religion she was a part of being a hatload of arseholes, she deeply and sincerely walked a path that she thought was true. She had moments of deep spiritual experience and astonishing connection to something bigger than her- I have no inclination to call it 'god', I'm just aware that it happened to her and that it was real, not something generated from within us. I have been thinking about those profound experiences within this turmoil that I have been experiencing and wondering if there is something much more interesting and profound going on in all this societal upheaval. It's turmoil that from the beginning of the course that this society chose was going to be inevitable; basing one's society on unsustainable practices, a fantasy of eternal economic growth and the idea that we are not beholden to our physical environment for continued existence was always doomed to failure, yet there is a part of me that is wondering if something good can emerge from within the hubris of a rotten society. Can we really create a more interesting vision, or am I being the eternal idiotic optimist that actually has always existed deep within me?

I want to think that wondrous things can happen. I want to think that, rather than a zombie nation scrambling for food and acting like a pack of rabid dogs, humans can create something amazing and truly sane out of the ashes of a way of life that needed to fail. I want to think that people will be supportive of each other, will act to quell the evil of those who would prey on the weak and helpless, will actually pull some of this legendary humanity out of their arses and rise above their own history.

I want to believe this, to live this, and then I look at my sleeping children and wonder if I'd simply be putting their lives and futures at risk to follow such a course: is it better for me to turn my back on all of this and disappear into the mountains somewhere, grow food and do what I can to keep my kids healthy, alive? I cannot believe that it will come to mere survival, the destruction of all that has been beautiful and inspiring, the things that have kept me going: music, dance, art, psychonauting, exploring the experience of being alive. Is a world of nothing more than subsistence the way things are headed?

Does no-one else want to try and create something better? Am I only one of two, my beloved husband and I, in wanting to create a community that, despite the changes, wants to preserve and expand the experience of being alive, of celebrating life and the possibilities within it? Does no-one else truly want to dance, to create gardens that don't need hours of work each day, to explore spiritual possibilities, to create art in whatever new forms it emerges, to create new, embracing and truly exceptional community?

There is a legend about a remote society that survived the last inundation, retiring to the Himalayas for several hundred years before leaving the mountains to spread their spiritual take on existence. This society flourished in isolation, creating a truly egalitarian community that revered a spiritual and humanist approach to living, much like the Kalahari Bushmen. They were dedicated to exploring a different, more sustainable and nourishing way of doing things.

That's what I want to do, but I don't know if there is any interest or energy for it. I have a great deal of energy to put into it, I simply don't know if others want to. I have been told before by several people, some psychic, some not, that I am an anomoly in the world, some kind of extreme glitch that doesn't seem to have any place here in the long run. Perhaps they are ultimately right and I am a visioner, a social alchemist whose ideas are too much to bring to fruition. I wonder if this is true- I wonder if I shall only ever have the merest sliver of the things that I can see possible, if my life will ultimately ring hollow with unborn possibilities.

Shall I ultimately be a waste of space and unused visions? Has my life been useless in my greater desire to actually create something greater, something that truly works? Shall I end up knowing that I failed in any way to do something that mattered here?

Does nobody else have the desire and energy to do something more interesting?

cool ideas for community building

2009-04-04T00:43:28Z

From http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/009469.html : the idea of exchanging abandoned homes for sweat equity credit. A home could cost you, say, 5000 hours of community work (in food production, greening endeavours, alternative energy projects etc). Your efforts in retrofitting your new home could also count towards this, or could be done as part of a community endeavour: people who propose living in the same street as each other could pool together to work on retrofitting each other's houses. This would result in many layers of positive, including community building (people get to know one another, learn what each household has offer and what its needs are, enable households where people are elderly or have disabilities to be supported as well as have an opportunity to find their own ways to contribute positively to their community). This means homes that would be slowly rotting or fodder for vandalism would be restored, areas would be repopulated with a view to creating sustainable neighbourhoods, community gardens, low tech solutions.

I love this idea. This is something I would totally get into! I love so many of the visions from this particular site. http://www.energybulletin.net/node/48215

Dancing through the days

2009-03-12T21:45:18Z

What have we been up to? After getting sick of camping we were spending time at my sister's place in between many trips to Melbourne looking at our options and attending appointments with healers. Due to my disinclination to be sympathetic to my sister's habit of creating dramas for herself we parted company and our little family toddled off to buy a caravan. We now live in the smexiest vintage caravan you ever did see- so smexxy in fact that we get almost as much comment on her as we do on our baby daughter (although so far nobody has stopped us on the street asking to take photos of our caravan, whereas this is a fairly regular occurrence with Satori). It's only a small 15 ft van but it has everything we need- including the most comfortable bed I've slept in for several years- and it's awesome to go doofing in, which was the primary reason for buying it. She's basically a doof van because I really love pulling up and having a cup of something yummy in my hand within minutes rather than within two hours. I also love the measure of sound insulation we get inside, I love the cosy, I love the storage- yes, we love our little van.

Last weekend was four days at Maitreya, a psytrance doof of many wonders. We had a great time, set up a camp that saw many people wandering over simply because it was so comfy, listened to some fantastic music, Noah went busking with a friend and made $70 and the kids generally had a ball. Our next doof is Somatica in April, although we have heard rumours that there is another one in two weeks time; then there's a few smaller ones until Royal Doof in June which I've been reliably told is fabulous. Our doofing lifestyle is slowly coalescing during our travels.

RIVER: if you have not yet seen Watchmen, then don't- you will absolutely *hate* what they do with the character you'll most resonate to. Trust me, this is a Brotherhood of the Wolf kind of aggravation. I hated it.

We have been invited to move into the warehouse in Nth Coburg. This is a really cool thing as I'm ready to get into the various projects and activities that we have been talking about, not the least of which is building my reactable. I'm looking forward to doing physical training and classes in costume design, art and a few other things. We are near enough to Brunswick to make it interesting and far enough away to make it sane, Brunswick now being the cultural hub of the artist set rather than the Carlton area. It's kind of strange being back in Melbourne in some ways but that's how our travels have taken us for now and it suits us given how many things we want to explore. We are still really clear that we are not settling here permanently- the shit is just sitting in front of the fan here environmentally, it's just a matter of time before the splattering starts- and we are still intending to do our trips to SA, exploring Beltana there and looking to other states for a more permanent home. With Nahele in northern NSW and River in Brisbane my instinct is that we'll eventually have a semi-permanent base there but we are looking to have more than one touchdown spot.

I have found the truck of my dreams! I've only seen it, haven't a clue if it's for sale or what the deal is, but I'm going to find out about it. It's old, needs work and has the most perfect set up ever. It's one of my projects on my list, you see, building a housetruck. We intend to have the housetruck towing the van, so it's starting to look like Carnivale, that awesome tv series from earlier this decade: if anyone ever gets the notion that travelling carnival style, living in an artist's warehouse and doing interesting stuff sounds like their cup of tea, you know how to get in touch with us...

:)

Being surrounded by bushfire related things...

2009-02-27T15:16:20Z

Being here in Victoria at this time has been getting to me. The atmosphere surrounding the bushfire situation has been getting beyond hysterical; everywhere I turn there are advertisements for 'bushfire benefit this' and 'bushfire relief fund' that, constant hammering about how funds are needed to 'rebuild lives and communities.' I have been looking at the areas that have been burnt out, names of places that, as one originally born in Victoria, I have heard again and again and again. And here is my take on all this:

I am not donating a single cent to these campaigns. Not a penny. Why? Here's the reason, and it's a very simple one: stupid westerners building the same, ticking firebomb houses and communities in the same fire prone areas for 200 years is NOT a brave, courageous and intelligent thing to do.

Have a look at this interesting little timeline as just one example of what I am talking about-
http://www.abc.net.au/blackfriday/timeline/html_tl_popup.htm . Yes, as astonishing as it seems, for some incomprehensible reason the descendants of those who first came to this country and, despite it's climate, soil type and general environmental makeup tried to recreate 'the motherland' by building in areas that were flood prone, or fire prone, or landslip prone, or prone to all three and a few more besides because they were fired by the delusions of a christian belief system that had told them they were the masters of the planet and that their god had given them dominion over the earth- these descendants *still* believe that they can ignore the realities of this country. To those first invaders the environment was there to be tamed, domesticated, brought into hand just like the original inhabitants, everything to be bent and shaped by the dominant race. This culture STILL thinks it can dominate the landscape, that it can force nature to bend to its will. How many people have to die because people can't let go of their erroneous beliefs?

Here in Victoria I have returned to an environment that is in the last stages of collapse, yet there has been not a word spoken of it in the mainstream media in the 22 years that I have been away. All across Victoria the lakes are, if not completely empty, then at the dying stage. These are not small lakes- google Lake Colac for an example of how much water has vanished over the past few years from just one alone if you want to get some understanding of the enormous quantity of vanished water that I am talking about. Landscapes are baking and becoming deserts, topsoil storms are expected every time the wind comes from the north, the northern winds have become searing blasts that- and this is no exaggeration- feel like someone is standing in front of you pointing a hairdryer that has been set to 'high' on your face. They have cut down the trees, they have drained the aquifers, they have overfarmed and over poisoned the soils, they have pulled water from the rivers to the point that the Murray no longer reaches the sea. They continue to do the same idiotic, self defeating and ultimately self destroying actions over and over, blindly turning away from the inevitable results that come from these actions.

Here is a simple fact: there are areas of Victoria that historically have been fireprone. The names that are being touted now, the disappearance of entire communities, has happened before and what is more, they ARE going to happen AGAIN. There is a lot of noise regarding royal commissions to examine the reasons so many people died, to look into what can be done, make recommendations but the kicker is, that's all been done before too. Recent news reports have been bringing to light how Rudd and his buddies have sold the country down the river to big business with regards to carbon credits, environmental issues and global warming, with Joe Average the unsurprising loser in the bargain yet again but what bemuses me is that people behave as though they are surprised: the kicker is that it is the politicians who will be at the helm of whatever recommendations these latest navel gazing activities come up with. There is zero political will or interest in embracing environmental reality: the fires have provided an opportunity for politicians to publicise themselves, make noises, point fingers, try on a variety of 'empathy faces' as they are walking around but anyone who thinks that anything that's happened is going to make a difference to the way things are always done hasn't really been paying attention. That would be no real surprise, because if the actions of the communities that are continually being destroyed are any indicator, nobody much is paying attention to anything that really matters.

The killer fires of the past 100 years have been followed by public outrage, mourning, been called 'acts of God', seen the environment viewed as an anti human 'thing' that 'stalks', 'destroys'; nature itself is to be battled, wrestled with, defied, armwrestled. Newsflash, people: nature is what sustains us. These complex systems in which we reside weren't created simply for us; astounding as it might be, we are actually fellow inhabitants of systems so incredibly balanced and synergistic that it boggles the brain to contemplate. People in this state have become almost hysterical in their response to these recent fires because on a primitive level they know that nature has never and *will* never be tamed; it haunts their sleep, this idea that perhaps they *can't* fuck with things and get away cleanly, perhaps they *can't* pollute, deforest, mismanage and pillage the countryside and things go on as normal. Nature creeps around in our DNA, sliding through our veins with prehistoric fur and sharp teeth, the yin and yang of life itself revealed constantly in the planet around us. Our actions, if we wish to continue as a species here on this living starship, this tiny arc within the cosmic vastness- if we wish to survive and evolve we must come to terms with the limitations of our physical vessels and the limitations of our ability to intelligently manipulate our environment. So far, our manipulations have been disasterous, just like the insane push to rebuild communities in areas where, with sad regularity, people die in fires. Other communities stoically rebuild to offer themselves up regularly to the floods.

I will not support these continued stupidities- to do so would be an act of stupidity on my part. I have no interest in the actions that seek to repeat past mistakes on ever grander and more gut wrenching scales- I have wept over pictures of a family whose youngest was only two months older than the precious child sleeping next to me as I write, this child who died in the same way that another child beloved to me died. I don't need to be the mother of every child to cry over the photos of all those dead kids and I *have* cried- but what I don't want to do is cry again simply because the gods of commerce and idiocy lead those who have no interest in learning the lessons of the past.

These towns should not be rebuilt in their current locations. These fires are not freak occurrences, they have happened at least four times in the last century. Are we as a nation willing to support the escalating costs of the 25 year destruction and rebuilding cycle that refusing to learn from the past condemns us to?

Evolve, people- we are not the master race, we're part of a biosystem that is complex, oftentimes powerful and- if we've been careless- the vehicle of our destruction. Fires don't kill anywhere near as much as stupidity kills.

Do things a different way.

online microcosms

2009-02-15T12:41:16Z

I have been reminded in the past two days of just how the cocksticks in the world outnumber the switched on. I have also been reminded that, even though the switched on may be outnumbered, we're utterly poised to survive the upcoming paradigm shift far, far better than the dinosaur brains that litter the internet.

So much bigotry, hatred, ugliness, small mindedness, stupidity and myopic world views out there- while unsurprised by it I am sometimes stopped in my tracks with the reminders of just how many unevolved brains litter the planet and how much damage they are doing to it by the outcomes of their empty souled actions. There is no mass salvation possible for these people: here is one of the sterling comments that was posted in a melbourne oriented journal in response to a post of mine-

"what a shame there were no hippie cunt commmunes in marysville or kinglake."

I really don't have any interest in minds like this surviving the shift; frankly, I'll be glad when they're gone. I'm also glad that the same thread has put me in touch with some people that seem, potentially at least, to be rather splendid. It's a much smaller crowd than those with minds like the charmer who posted that remark, but it's a crowd that I'm happy to spend time, energy and effort seeking out.

We are heading back to Melbourne to buy our tickets to Maitreya, our next doof adventure, and also to meet up with one of the aforementioned potentially splendid specimens regarding living space in what sounds like an awesomely funky warehouse. We're definitely up for the adventure.

I'm going to bed now, my husband is tugging on my clothes with his teeth in a very unsubtle (not that he does subtle) way of telling me to go to bed. Now. Stop typing. Don't tempt me. You're asking for OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

We are now online!

2009-02-13T13:51:24Z

And happily stealing the internet of any unsecured wireless in the vicinity, unless we are going past a McDonalds. We picked up the spiffy laptop of goodness for $500 and it's mighty fine to be able to do all the researching that our current endeavours require. NZ is still on the cards although trademe.co.nz is not being very supportive of our efforts- they require a landline and home address, of which we have neither, and without it our membership is invalid. On top of this, it seems that many sellers require address verification before they will deal with you, although this is only available to people in NZ. One then wonders why they bother offering the site to Australians, seeings as we can't seem to be able to buy anything through their site. O-o

We're looking into getting accomodation in Melbourne for the autumn, in order to do some physical training stuff (contact improv, parkour, circus, yoga and hapkido- heh, I spelt it japkido originally) as well as discovering any groups that might be doing Really Interesting Things environmentally.

I had a moment of epiphany yesterday. We went to the zoo and spent a great deal of time in the primate area, learning a lot about ourangutangs. They are an exquisite animal and I spent almost an hour interacting with a 31 year old female that they call Kira. She is divine, loves exploring the contents of bags and loves babies, so I spent time taking everything out of my bag and showing it to her, including reading her the storybook that Indigo had been carting around, demonstrating the joys of the squishy toy that we had for Satori, exploring spray bottles of water and other things.

Ourangs actually *smile*. The keeper was there, talking to us about a lot of things but she kept interrupting herself to comment on how much Kira was enjoying what I was doing. On a personal level I have never been so moved by the experience of interacting with a non human species; something in me cracked apart and simply rearranged inside and I have been imbued with a sense of awareness regarding the impact that humans are having on this planet. In less than 8 years there will be no ourangs left in the wild at all. There are only 400 great apes left in the wild. Species after species are on the brink of extinction because humans basically suck. Yes, sucketh mightily in fact: this earthship that we depend on for our survival is being destroyed at a phenomenal rate because we like our way of life.

My own way of life has altered overnight. Our ideas of the housetruck have solidified, because we can live quite happily and comfortably in a very small space, using renewable energy systems for our miniscule energy needs. I am watching myself transform at an incredible pace, absorbing and imbuing so many things that for years have been nebulous concepts. I sat across from this gorgeous being, so full of intelligence and readiness to reach out to me and realised that I really, really don't want to do things that support this killing machine. There is no other way to look at it- this society is a death machine and politically silent creatures like Kira are the ones being ground up to make someone's timber floor, or satisfy some rich American's desire to own a baby ourang. For every baby in the pet shops, the estimate is that four ourangs have died because the mother, father and an aunt often with a baby on her back will do everything to protect the young.

Contrast this with a father that will throw his own little daughter to her death from the Westgate Bridge.

I am inspired by the gentle brown eyes of a species that is 97 per cent genetically human. I want to live in a way that supports their continued existence, indeed the existence of all creatures. I want to be around other people who are passionate about doing things in ways that *really* work, not just rhetoric: at the doof we went to last week there was a large contingency from the East Gippsland Forest Alliance, a group of activists that have been engaging in running battles with loggers for the past 20 years or so. These people have lived in the depths of the stunning remaining areas of old growth forest, enduring night raids by violent and angry loggers who come in and beat the greenies into hospital in an effort to get them out of the forests so that they can be logged to death. After an area is logged, helicopters drop NAPALM- yep, that toxic crap- onto the logged area so that every living thing is destroyed. This is done so that no environmentalist can say that the area is environmentally sensitive, then the forestry go in and replant the once richly diverse area with monoculture eucalypt forest and it becomes a woodfarm. Then they go into another pristine area and do exactly the same thing.

You know who is signing the papers that are committing ever more areas to woodchips for the Japanese? Mr Peter Garrett, that's who, so don't bang onto me about how the greens will change anything: if a life long environmental protester can turn coat so badly once he's in government, then anyone will. I am so disinterested in politics and political action- the government will *never* be interested in the will of the people because it has only ever had its own agenda to support. If people want change they are going to have to create it themselves: Kevin Rudd doesn't give a rats arse about the environment and he never will. No prime minister ever will, or at least they won't until it's all gone- THEN they'll lament and wail and get on the bandwagon but it will be too late.

You want change, go out and create it. You want to eat, better start growing food because Victoria and NSW soon won't be able to feed themselves, let alone anyone else: we have been driving through country where lakes that have been full and flourishing since invasion are now enormous barren and dry expanses. The topsoil blows into the sea here every time there's a northerly. They have cut down so many trees that the remaining numbers are not enough to call the rains. And the Victorians bemoan the dry and curse the weather.

Duh.

So Michael and I are exploring the moves that we need to make now in order to prepare us for what is ahead. It's a new world out there, we have no idea what's necessary so we're simply being open to what comes along. The ability to be cool with rapid changes, upheavals and uncertainty is one of the things that will definately be vital, if our lessons so far are any indication.

Bring on the collapse. Kira's people will have a chance, as will so many other species. We're not so special, we are part of the web and the pleasure of exploring that could be enough to satisfy humans if they'd only lift their eyes beyond their next aquisition, their limiting beliefs and ideologies. We are not our thoughts, our beliefs and understanding of the universe has been manufactured and handed on to us.

Create a better vision.

Fires of fury, days of storm

2009-02-10T05:25:34Z

We are ok. We weren't in the fires, we were in the 47 degree heat and ended up fleeing to the coast, where we stayed in airconditioning and watched the smoky skies roiling out to sea. It is really full on down here, so many people dead, so many children, so many kids died. So many stupid, useless deaths- why die over a house? Over a motorbike? Over a shed? But they did, some got to safety, dropped off kids or dogs or bits and then went back to get more. That's when they died.

Material possessions simply aren't worth dying for.

We are currently in Warrnambool, heading back to Melbourne tomorrow to buy a second hand laptop for about $500, then seeing if we can buy this housetruck in NZ that we have our eye on. There are many things in the sea of possibility at the moment, we're simply seeing which way the wind blows. We'll be buying either a motorhome or a caravan to live in here in Oz, camping with kids in winter is not what we want to be doing.

I currently have a head cold so am feeling relatively uninspired, but as always the pleasure of Michael's company works as a counterpoint to anything pants that might be happening. We're staying in a little motel that has a spa for a bath- so far I've had two blissfully hot spa baths and there will be another one when we head back there this afternoon. Simple pleasures, it is at the moment.

We spent three days at Spiral Harmonics this weekend just gone, met some great people that we have the possibility of seeing again next month at another doof. Our life of following the festivals is slowly emerging- we met some Kiwis who told us that there is a really healthy underground doof scene over there, so that's something that we'll be checking out if and when we go over.

There are so many doorways at the moment, but I'm learning the fine art of living in the moment- tomorrow is back to Melbourne, buy the laptop and then see what the next move is. That's all I have at present, although a possible doorway to Japan has also opened. We'll be investigating it more when we're online. I'll also be updating properly when we're online. Internet cafes with kids are blah.

Talk again soon. :D

Drive by.

2009-01-28T00:35:38Z

I'm in a blissfully airconditioned library in Geelong. Blissful because it is rudely and ridiculously hot here at the moment. After much wrestling with the Passport Office, which not only required our entire genealogical tree starting from First Fleet, a full physical and psyche assessment, passing an impromptu pop quiz and juggling three cats, two wolverines and a lemon in order to be given the ok, we can pick up our passports today! Hurrah! We'll be going by train because it's just too hot to drive.

Indigo's bio did us all a tremendous favour by continuing to show his interest in not wanting to pay child support by refusing to sign her birth certificate. Hurrah again!! Now I have a birth cert for her with just my details on it, which means that the way is clear for Michael to legally adopt her, the bio having refused paternity. Whee! I never have to ask his permission for travel again. :D It was an angsty 2 weeks while we were waiting to see if he'd sign it but once the wrestling with Hatches, Matches and Dispatches was done it was all good.

NZ has a question mark over it atm because the economic bouncing has inspired people to put ridiculously high prices on their crappy vehicles. Of course, when money is tight, put up the prices, that will get people buying! So mmm, considering the exhorbitant cost of travel vehicles over there atm, it may well be that our persistant wrestling with the Passport Nazis was an utter and expensive waste of time. Huzzah! So we'll see where things are at with that within the next couple of weeks, otherwise it's time for Plan Z, having used everything up to that letter.

I am as madly in love with my partner as ever, our baby daughter is nearly 6 months old now and just as yummy as before, our other two daughters are splendid. Staying with my sister has been interesting but we are really itching to get on the road again. It would seem that buying a permanent housetruck for us here in Oz is also on the cards- after being in a house again my loathing for them has cemented even more, probably because I am utterly over constantly cleaning. Hehe. We are in the process of divesting ourselves of even more possessions for this reason: we both agree that Cleaning Sucketh Mightily, when there are so many other interesting things to do.

If anyone has a laptop that they would like to give me that would be utterly orgasmic: trying to organise things on the road without internet sucks and blows. We have come up with a list of things that would have been good to have organised before leaving Brisbane, and getting the laptop is at the top of the list: there are NO ex-gov places here in Victoria that we can find. None. It is worlds of blah. So mmm, information is goooood when you are a stranger, because people are stranger in strange places.

I have more to say but time is running out! There is internet quizzing to be done.

farewell!

computer shutdown. totally offline.

2008-12-23T23:24:19Z

we're ready to go offline. Stuff is packed in the car, just awaiting the last of the packing for loading, we've got a trailer to take some big boxes and things down to The Channon, setting up the server down there so that our pics and stuff can stay online. We've given away a house full of stuff, a heap of clothing and a car to get to this point. It is what it is.

I have been wandering through the house, nodding and thanking the memories- my sons living here with me, absorbed in WoW most of the time; my precious Lydia's last visit- I still see her image by the front door when I look, her face shining with life and laughter- the daughter conceived and born in our bedroom, returning from our wedding, friends and companions lounging around the place, sleeping in various beds all over the house.

I miss my sons and yet know that they are on the next part of their journey. I love being their mother and hope that there will be other times when we are all together again. I will miss my friends here and will keep this journal going as a way to keep the connections going which for me is a first- it's the first time ever that I have left a place and kept the connections and friendships. I like this new thing in my life, I am eager to discover what patterns emerge over the coming year.

Goodbye, Brisbane. I have loved and loathed you, but as far as the people go, I have loved and cared for some of the best people I have met in my life. I wonder what this next adventure is about. Goodbye for now, my beautiful sons- I love and celebrate you all passionately and hope that this phase of your life is awesome, fantastic, wild and wonderful. I hope that I have been able to leave you with positive things. Goodbye, my Lydia- if it's ok with you, I want to take some of the energy of your last visit with me. We will always love, cherish and adore you.

See you all on the flipside. :)

*hugs*

Bye bye computer.

2008-12-23T05:35:25Z

Off to its new home, leaving me without the umbilical cord of my own internet connection.

It would be so easy to panic and see myself like an astronaut adrift from their craft...

Will be using Michael's until we shut that down tonight. Then we will be voiceless in the web.

Hmm.

Goodbye little car.

2008-12-21T23:27:41Z

Watched my little Corolla being driven away last night by the person that I gave it away to. I know that they will look after it, do it up, have a lot of fun in it and that she'll be a good car for them to have...

still, it was bittersweet watching it go.

I think I can get the whole house finished today. I would like to- I want to pack everything up and leave. I'm really ready to go and have this adventure.

Second hand shops are going to get a lot of donations today.Not Christian shops though- never again, actually- not after reading http://bradhicks.livejournal.com/419589.html and it's replies, which lead to this post http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/10/12/105122/66/756/256547: I will never again be neutral towards Christianity or any religion, actually. No more thinking 'oh well, they *mean* well..'.

No. No, they don't. And no matter how you tilt the image, with the foundations of shaming, control, subservience and domination that religion has, it never, ever will mean well.

As for the concerns regarding Obama, well, I'm not surprised at all- when will people learn that NOBODY is a fine person if they're in politics? *shakes head* Obama *is* going to screw the people, just in a different way...

The end of an era.

2008-12-19T20:51:28Z

Today we get rid of the last of our household items. They'll either be packed for taking with us, stored at Nanna's place, sold, or given away. Today is the day that this computer goes offline for good. I'm selling my computer. It has been with me- in various incarnations- for almost 10 years. A lot of history.

I'm in the process of cleaning the hard drive, sorting out the files that I want to keep and generally getting it ready for it's new home. It's been both a challenging and rewarding process, this purging of possessions and history- while part of me has freaked out at it, the other part has welcomed and enjoyed the increasing sense of lightness and peace that comes with having little to take care of in terms of physical possessions. It's making the possibility of New Zealand more solid and do-able. Actually, *lots* of things feel more do-able, there isn't so great a weight on me as before.

My online presence will be sporadic from hereon in. We plan to buy a wifi loaded laptop in Melbourne so that Michael's transition can be easier- he hasn't been without a computer since he was about 9 or 10, so he's been feeling the challenge. It's been a challenging process for both of us, actually, one that's been well worth experiencing together. What we have found out is that any disturbance we feel is tempered by our love for each other- neither of us is inclined to make the other one feel rotten because we simply treasure each other.

Our rough plans are- Melbourne, New Zealand at the end of January, return to Oz mid April, Flinders Ranges for winter, Tasmania in spring and back to Melbourne. Ireland is being considered, but we really want to backpack/motorhome around Japan if we can find a suitable motorhome over there. We have absolutely no idea where all this is going to lead us, what we'll be doing during our travels- we're just going and seeing what comes to us and what we end up wanting to create. It's a pretty amazing space to be in.

So now, I'm going to go and finish the things I have to do: people are coming this morning to take most of the household stuff away, we have to do some other running around and then by this evening I'll know if we're ready to leave for the island tomorrow or not.

I finally feel like I'm really ending the relationship and connection with Renee- I've sold, given away or thrown out practically everything that was connected to him and it feels really peaceful. Indigo is her own person, not a connection to Renee, so essentially everything is gone.

Everything is new from this point on- Michael and I are creating our own life together, seeing what happens in new surroundings, seeeing where we go, what we do, what kind of life we'll create when we do it from scratch. One of the reasons we want a laptop is so that we can write about it, so I'll be posting here as often as I can. My memory keeper. :)

Hugs to everyone I know and love, may all the things you really want come to you, may your dreams be wonderful and come to reality. It's been wonderful to have met and known the people here in Brisbane that I've come to love, as well as my friends online. I look forward to sharing my adventures with you all.

Sayonara!

Gothic clothing sale.

2008-12-17T23:11:26Z

Basically, I am getting rid of my entire gothic and alternative wardrobe- shoes, cute grey coat from Japan, knee high boots (including New Rocks space style), PVC skirts- everything. I have put on weight and they simply don't fit! Sizes 10-14, mainly.

I don't have time to post photos because I'm packing up a house. If you want to do some bargain hunting, email me for my address and come and have a look in the evenings. Think of it as one of those guerilla shopping expeditions like they have in New York- three days only in this location and we're gone! I also have some brass pieces, small but pretty. We are getting rid of the entire contents of our house.

So, goth and other clothing, cheap!

The eve of another birthday, my darling girl.

2008-12-16T10:59:06Z

You would have been 11 tomorrow. There would have been the excitement between you and Noah, the presents, the baking of the cake, the wearing of the kittens. There would have been laughter and squealing, plans and schemes, two girls curled up in their floor nest together wearing bear hats and painting their toenails. 11 is a wondrous age, the cusp of maiden-child, the time of change and beginning transformation.

Instead, there's the memories of a nine year old girl and my aching, aching heart tonight, the tears of the girl who misses you every single day. We found something that smelled exactly like you today, hidden away in Noah's treasures, and it was a moment of revelation and memory. My arms miss the feel of you in them, the warmth of you curved against me, the smell of the sea in your hair. You always smelled like the ocean, my dearest, my sea goddess. I don't think this ache is ever going to go away.

Happy 11th birthday for tomorrow, beloved girl. I don't think I'll be in the place to write it on the day. I love you as much as ever, and miss you as always.

Your smile so full of magic, your eyes so full of stars...

There is a version of the world.

2008-12-14T22:15:28Z

Six billion, in fact. In some of these versions, travelling the world is an easy and joyful thing: the view is that the world is a beautiful and joyous place, filled with people who, while perhaps not being open-arms welcoming, will still give you a friendly nod and pass a pleasant time of day. In this view the world is not filled with terrorists, rapists, thieves, corruption, conmen, evil, poverty, constant struggle and doom; rather, the world is a kaleidescope of possibility and wonder, a patchwork of emotions and experiences. There is no need in this world view to struggle for 'stability' because nothing in this world is stable, not even the planet we live on. Everything is up for change- it's just that in the dominant paradigm, change is generally perceived as a *bad* thing, something to be resisted and rejected- there is so much spoken about regarding 'stable personality', 'consistent behaviour', same, constant, unwavering. People are expected to stay the same person- it's ok to change the external somewhat, just not *too* radically- but to be the same person all along. Those that see the world a different way see the unchanging person as one who is the walking dead, disconnected from the power and flow of life itself.

This paradigm is an efficient propaganda machine. At every turn we are presented with a world that is cold, dangerous, filled with death, destruction, uncertainty, instability and uprisings. We are fed a diet of disaster that we cannot assist with, starvation we cannot ameliorate, poverty unending; images of human suffering and distress that our limited selves cannot aid. If we help this village here, there's still that village there and there and there and there that are on death's door. There is no end.

And it's an absolute crock. It's a fucked up, empty, utter wasteland of a way of seeing the world. We've been manipulated mightily in the name of consumerism and greed. There are people in the world who live a different paradigm, whose lives are rich in the experiences of friendliness from strangers, open hearts, open skies, laughter, triumph over challenge; they know the skill in their hands, the fullness of their capacity for love and passion, for determination, for ingenuity and creativity, their ability to pay attention to their guiding intuition. They aren't afraid to be dancers, to be passionate, to cry and laugh and take life as it comes.

Once I was like that. Most of us were when we were young. It took years for the dominant paradigm to cripple our spirits, twist our vitality into something to be condemned, squash our visions into 'a grip on reality' and we shrank down to their size. Once we knew what it was like to be limitless, to be fearless, confident, wide eyed at the world- then we collapsed beneath the weight of their rules, limitations, judgements, punishments, contortions.

Someone asked me yesterday what I had wanted when I was young, before my spirit collapsed beneath the weight. For awhile I resisted the memory but it's beginning to flood through me because I *want* it to- it's why I went looking to re-iognite my solar plexus chakra, to reclaim my creativity, in the first place. And as I'm looking back, my mouth is open in wonder at the site of this wild haired girl thundering across the open paddocks on the back of the first horse I ever rode, bareback, rope halter, hands gripped tightly in the mane as I urged Rebel (yep, that was his name) to go ever faster. I became one with my horse as he dodged rocks, leapt boulders, jigged sideways at an unexpected barrier; there was no such thing as too fast, too dangerous- if he could jump it so could I, if he could move that fast so could I, if he could twist sideways in mid stride just for the fun of it, so could I. I used to win races because there was no such thing as too fast for me. I played cricket and football because I was better than most of the boys, I did things that they were afraid to do and laughed in glee while I was doing it- rode my motorbike up a cliff that none of the guys I rode with could get over, put my bike sideways around corners on the gravel because it was fun, spent days exploring the bush tracks by myself because the feel of the wind in my face as I rode was one of the most pleassurable things I had ever experienced.

I danced everywhere because it felt wonderful to do it. I knew how to laugh until my ribs ached and my face hurt; I got up in the middle of the night to write music, to draw, to write in my journals, to play the piano, to watch the stars. I wandered through the world with my eyes full of wonder, my heart aching at the beauty and mystery of it all.

And somewhere, somewhere in me, that girl is still alive and dancing. I've had decades of this paradigm telling me that there are things I have to be afraid of and what it translates to is that I have to be afraid of life, of opening my arms and heart to the world and simply seeing what is possible. I've heard the stories of the terrible things that will happen to me if I step outside the proscribed boundaries, the declared zones, the policed areas- but there are people in those places who are living lives, who are doing things great and small, who know things that I don't, who still laugh and dance and love despite the supposed insurmountable dangers of their world.

I think I'm taking my world back. I've seen the vision of the paradigm's one and I've finally decided that it isn't for me. I honestly don't know the one that *is* for me- it's been so long since I did this that I"ve pretty much forgotten who I started out as- but my essence has never forgotten. I'll get the hang of it, I'll remember how to listen to that voice if I keep listening for it now, I'll remember the things that my eyes wanted to see, that my ears wanted to hear, that my heart wanted to feel. I've been getting rid of all my furniture, my excess stuff, giving away and selling everything that can't be taken in the van with us and it's been an interesting process; I discovered the programming of 'lack' and 'not enough' and 'can't have again if I don't keep this'- all the beliefs and rules that keep us attached to Stuff, to weight, to limitation and one place. If I need a memory that badly- well, that's what tattoos are for.

Have you noticed the people taking photos of themselves in places, posing for the camera while they ignore what's going on around them? Japanese tourists taking photos of themselves with food, Chinese tourists taking photos of themselves in front of Chinese temples, people taking photos of each other so that they can prove that they were having a good time. Spectators of their own lives, so that they can go home and play the video or check out the photos and remind themselves that they were there.

I'd rather be doing than watching. I want to experience the other world views that are out there, to be a part of life instead of watching it from the safety of a cage that I've made with my own hands. I want to be open again, to experience without the judgements of this paradigm, to simply explore and discover for myself what the life that *I* want to live looks like. I don't have a clue what that looks like yet-

but I'm willing to do things to find out.

Moving sale, update.

2008-12-12T00:09:17Z

1 brand new electric gourmet frypan, never used. - NOW ON FREECYCLE
Heap of cooking stuff, plates, bowls etc enough to get a family/sharehouse going in stuff.-NOW ON FREECYCLE

~~Wooden kitchen table and four wooden chairs~~ sold to willxkemp
~~Laminate table~~ - sold to willxkemp
trestle table (good quality one, been using it as a computer desk)- willxkemp?
Low wooden coffee table- possibly sold to sagewisdom
small ornate persian style rug- possibly sold to sagewisdom
small IKEA silver bookshelf- possibly sold to sagewisdom

kitchen bench/computer desk with underneath shelf
large TEAC television
large wooden cupboards with drawers and shelves inside- NOW ON FREECYCLE

LARGE black heavy duty portable (breaks down) plastic set of shelves, tall. 5 *deep* shelves, great linen cupboard/storage. Could be a bookcase if you turned it side on and had two sets of book like a library shelf set up. $50. It's BIG.

Am currently sorting thorugh TONS of linen, spare doonas, curtains- if there's anything you want give me a yell. I just might have it. :)